Chapter 1: Yes, But How?

The Question That Changes Everything

"Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil."

— 1 Timothy 3:2-7 (ESV)

My pastor said this one time, and it hit me like a freight train: "Yes, but how?"

We've all heard it. You sit in a Sunday morning service, or maybe you're reading a Christian book, or you're talking with a mentor who says, "You need to be above reproach." And you nod. You agree. It sounds good. It sounds right. It sounds like something God wants for you.

But then the silence comes. The quiet moment after the sermon ends, after the book is closed, after the mentor walks away. And in that silence, the real question rises up from the depths of your heart: But how?

How do you become above reproach? How do you become the husband of one wife in a world that screams sexuality from every billboard, commercial, and screen? How do you stay sober-minded when everyone around you is running on caffeine, anxiety, and distraction? How do you exercise self-control when self-control itself feels like a superpower most people are born with and you weren't?

This is something that is very important to me. Not because I've figured it all out — far from it. But because I've reached a point in my life where I'm done with surface-level answers. I'm done with knowing what to be and being completely lost on how to become it.

Understanding Reputation

One definition for reputation is, "the beliefs or opinions that are generally held about someone or something."

Think about that for a moment. Reputation isn't what you think of yourself. It isn't what your closest friends think of you. It isn't what your social media followers think of you. Reputation is what people who don't have to like you think of you. It's the opinion formed by those who have every reason to judge you fairly — and many reasons to judge you harshly.

This is a tough balance in my opinion. On one hand, I want to please God. On the other hand, Scripture says I must be "well thought of by outsiders." These two goals are deeply connected, but they're not always easy to reconcile in daily life. The world doesn't reward integrity the way the Kingdom does. Sometimes it punishes it. And yet, God calls us to it anyway.

A Personal Inventory

I don't even know how to measure myself against these characteristics because this is still all new to me. I believe I'm above reproach — I don't see many people disapproving of me. I will be the husband of one wife and manage my thoughts. I'm sober-minded. I have reasonable self-control, though I need to really work harder in that area. I believe I'm respectable and hospitable. I have to work on my teaching skills more, and my tone. I'm not a drunkard.

I'm not violent, though sometimes people will perceive me as violent because of how I approach a situation. For example, if I get upset I may raise my voice, which seems like I'm yelling. I just talk very loud — however, if people perceive this as violent, then that's an area I need to improve upon to be well thought of by outsiders.

I don't believe I'm quarrelsome because I try to be a peacemaker. I don't love money and see money as a resource to help others. I work very hard not to be materialistic. I will manage my home to the best of my ability and work as a team member with my wife. I believe I'm a good father to our.

But here's the honest part — the part I don't always want to admit out loud: I don't know if I'm good enough. And that's actually a good place to start. The proud man doesn't ask "how." The proud man thinks he already knows. But the man who knows his own weakness, who sees the gap between who he is and who God calls him to be — that man is ready to learn.

One of My Deepest Concerns

One of my concerns is that I don't want to be a phony. I can fake it for a while. I can show up to church, use the right language, nod at the right moments. But faking it is not the same as becoming it. I can't control what others think of me, but I can control my actions. I can show up honestly, even when I'm failing. I can admit when I'm wrong. I can keep going even when the gap feels impossible.

1 Timothy 3:2-7 tells me what to be like. Now the fun part — the hard part, the beautiful part — is how to integrate these characteristics closer into my life and heart. The goal is not perfection. The goal is consistency. The goal is not to arrive but to keep walking.

YES, BUT HOW? — PART 1

Above Reproach

I want to review the term "above reproach" in 1 Timothy 3:2. These are Paul's words of personal qualities of what we are to be like. I don't know about you, but I learn from example. Don't just tell me to be "above reproach" — show me "how" to be above reproach.

What Does "Reproach" Actually Mean?

The first thing I do is to define the word "reproach." I like using Dictionary.com because it's quick. Dictionary.com defines "reproach" as:

Verb: to find fault with (a person, group, etc.); blame; censure
Verb: to upbraid
Noun: to be a cause of blame or discredit to
Noun: blame or censure conveyed in disapproval
Noun: an expression of upbraiding, censure, or reproof
Noun: disgrace, discredit, or blame incurred
Noun: a cause or occasion of disgrace or discredit

Doesn't sound too good, does it? So, to be reproached means that people disapprove of you or I, or find fault with you or I, or we are a disgrace. Yeah, I'm not feeling that at all. We have to figure out some example of how to be "above reproach."

What Does It Mean to Be "Above Reproach"?

To be "above reproach" doesn't mean to be perfect. It doesn't mean to never make a mistake. It means that when accusations or criticisms come — and they will — there is no legitimate ground for them. It means your life, taken as a whole, cannot be fairly condemned.

Think about it this way: if your worst enemy were to dig through every area of your life — your finances, your relationships, your work, your private habits — could they find a pattern of dishonesty, immorality, or hypocrisy? Not a single mistake. We all make mistakes. But a pattern? That's what reproach attacks.

How to Be "Above Reproach"

I would have to say we would need a high level of integrity, morals, and ethics. Integrity is the "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty." If we don't lie, cheat, steal, and we always do the right thing when we say we are going to do it, then I believe that will put us above reproach.

This isn't rocket science. People disapprove of liars, cheaters, thieves, and hypocrites. Do you approve of those who cheat you? Do you approve of those who steal from you? Probably not! Keep in mind, though, that you will NEVER appease one hundred percent of the people one hundred percent of the time. That's impossible! You have to be you, but be a you that has high integrity and good morals and ethics. That should keep you above reproach.

The Daily Practice

Being above reproach is not a one-time achievement. It's a daily discipline. Here's what that looks like in practice:

Keep your private life aligned with your public persona. What you do when nobody is watching matters most. God sees. And eventually, people will see too.
Own your mistakes immediately. When you mess up — and you will — don't cover it up. Don't make excuses. Own it, apologize, and change. This actually builds reputation rather than destroying it.
Guard your finances. Financial dishonesty is one of the fastest ways to lose reputation. Be transparent. Be accountable. Pay your debts.
Protect your marriage and your purity. Sexual immorality doesn't just damage your relationship with God — it destroys trust and reputation in ways that take years to rebuild.
Be consistent across all areas of life. You can't be honest at work but dishonest at home. You can't be generous in public but stingy in private. Reputation requires wholeness.

The Husband of One Wife

I'm probably going to go into more depth on this one and not read it just at face value. I don't think that was Paul's intent. Make no mistake about it, this one is a tough one for men.

What Did Paul Mean?

The Reformation Study Bible says this:

"This difficult expression has been understood to prohibit polygamy, remarriage after a divorce, or marital infidelity. Given the widespread immorality in the Greco-Roman world, the last would seem to fit Paul's focus the best."

1 Timothy 3:2 (ESV): "Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach."

To me, "the husband of one wife" means that I must NEVER look at another woman in a lustful way. We are tempted every day by the devil and we must actively push those thoughts out of our heads. Replace those thoughts with scripture.

But it goes deeper than that. Being "the husband of one wife" is about single-minded devotion. It's about having a heart that is fully committed, fully present, fully loyal. It's not just about physical fidelity — though that is absolutely non-negotiable. It's about emotional fidelity too. It's about guarding your heart, your attention, your desires. Philippians 4:8 (ESV) says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

When evil thoughts come into your mind filter them through this protocol, "Is this thought... true, honorbale, just, pure, lovely, and commendable. If not, THINK about these things. When that thought comes in, say that sentence, "Is this thought... true, honorbale, just, pure, lovely, and commendable.

What the Bible Says

Exodus 20:14 — "You shall not commit adultery."

Proverbs 6:32 — "He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself."

Matthew 5:28 — "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

1 Corinthians 6:18 — "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body."

Revelation 21:8 — "But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death."

These aren't soft passages. Jesus didn't come to make life easier; He came to make it holier. And holiness in this area requires more than just not acting on temptation — it requires not entertaining it.

How to Be "The Husband to One Wife"

Again, you know that we are tempted every day in this world. Turn on the TV and you see naked women. Remember when mom and dad would say that they are half-naked? Well, today, they are almost completely naked. Yup, that's the devil.

Listen to the music today and hear how it demeans women and how the lyrics talk about sex here and sex there. Music is a very dangerous thing because a lot of us don't really pay attention to the words, but I believe the words are seeping in. Keep that in mind.

Now, how to be the husband of one wife. Well, first I'm not going to put myself into a position that could lead to something it shouldn't. For example, Pastor Mark Driscoll always travels with one or two of his deacons and he ensures he never gets in an elevator alone with a woman. Never be alone with a woman unless that woman is your wife. Never put yourself in that position. If you put yourself in that position, then it's your fault.

Second, when I have impure thoughts — and we all do, guys, so don't even lie about it — I'm going to meditate on scripture. This is one reason why it's so important to memorize scripture because I don't know about you, but I don't have my Bible handy 24x7. One of my favorite pieces of scripture is Psalm 23. So I'll say that over and over. I finally memorized it.

Third, get a male Christian friend to keep you accountable. So when we say something stupid, that friend should say something like, "Hey, easy with those words because God is listening." …or something like that. You can do the same for him. We lie and deceive ourselves very easily. A strong Christian brother will slap you silly when you're acting dumb, but that's OK. Better to get slapped here than live the rest of eternity in hell.

Finally, be alert to the cues. The devil is smart and knows all about you too. The devil hates us and wants to try and make us fall and attempt to destroy our armor. Then I go back to my favorite Bible scripture of all, Ephesians 6:10-18, The Whole Armor of God. (I'm working on memorizing this.)

Ephesians 6:10-18 (ESV), "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints."

Remember Romans 8:31, "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

A Deeper Reflection

Being "the husband of one wife" also means preparing your heart before you're married. It means not treating women as objects or conquests. It means developing the capacity for deep, committed, sacrificial love — the kind Jesus showed the church. It means learning to love not just in feeling but in action. And it means being honest about your temptations so they don't control you in the dark.

Sober-Minded

What does it mean to be "sober-minded, circumspect, and/or temperate"? The English Standard Version of the Bible in 1 Timothy 3:2 says, "sober-minded." The Amplified Version of the Bible in 1 Timothy 3:2 says, "circumspect and temperate." Finally, the New King James Version of the Bible in 1 Timothy 3:2 says, "temperate, sober-minded." What do these words mean?

Let me break down each word according to Dictionary.com:

Sober-minded: To be rational, sensible
Circumspect: To be watchful and discreet; cautious; prudent; well-considered
Temperate: To be moderate or self-restrained; not extreme in opinion, statement

I believe I need wisdom in order to be sober-minded. How can I be rational, sensible, watchful, prudent, self-restrained, and not extreme in opinion or statement without wisdom?

The Connection Between Wisdom and Sober-Mindedness

This is where I think a lot of men — including myself — struggle. We confuse being sober-minded with being serious. But being sober-minded isn't about being grim or somber. It's about being clear-headed. It's about not being swept away by every emotion, every trend, every opinion that comes along. It's about having an internal compass that points toward truth even when the world is spinning.

The Bible says in Proverbs 3:13-18:

"Happy (blessed, fortunate, enviable) is the man who finds skillful and godly Wisdom, and the man who gets understanding [drawing it forth from God's Word and life's experiences], For the gaining of it is better than the gaining of silver, and the profit of it better than fine gold. Skillful and godly Wisdom is more precious than rubies; and nothing you can wish for is to be compared to her. Length of days is in her right hand, and in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are highways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who lay hold on her; and happy (blessed, fortunate, to be envied) is everyone who holds her fast."

How to Be "Sober-Minded"

Get all the information that you can about an issue. In other words, hear (listen to) both sides of the story to make a decision. In all actuality, there are three sides to the story: the first person's side, the second person's side, and the truth. I believe the only way to discern the truth is by listening.

Listening is a key factor. I have a tendency to cut people off when they are talking, which is not good, but something I'm cognizant of. I need to work very hard to listen to all cues of communication. All cues means non-verbal cues too. For example, body movement, facial expressions, and even the way someone is breathing. I believe listening is key to growing in wisdom.

The Bible Says About Listening

James 1:19 — "Understand [this], my beloved brethren. Let every man be quick to hear [a ready listener], slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry."

Proverbs 18:13 — "He who answers a matter before he hears the facts—it is folly and shame to him."

Proverbs 19:27 — "Cease, my son, to hear instruction only to ignore it and stray from the words of knowledge."

Don't snap to a decision. One thing I've started to work on is not to jump to a quick decision. I may chew on a decision for several days. Sometimes I have the answer immediately, but wait to see if God has more information for me. This takes patience too.

The Bible tells us in Galatians 6:9, "And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint."

So patience plays a key role in being temperate and prudent. Not everything needs an answer right now. Some things need time, prayer, and reflection. The world rushes; the sober-minded man pauses.

The bottom line is that I have to listen more, remain patient, and don't make snap decisions to be prudent. No, it's not easy, but everything in due time with practice and patience. I must be alert to my actions and seek wise counsel who will give me constructive criticism.

Self-Control

The first thing I like to do is to define words that we will discuss. Our word today is "self-control." One definition from Dictionary.com is to, "control or restraint of oneself or one's actions, feelings, etc." Wow, those words are so easy to say but tremendously difficult to implement; at least for me it's difficult. I think the toughest one is "feelings."

My Martial Arts Connection

I've been doing martial arts (Shaolin Kempo Karate) at Villari's for the past 5 years. We follow three main rules, which are:

Self-discipline: Doing the things you know you should do without being told
Respect: Treating others the way you want to be treated
Self-control: Controlling your behavior to fit the situation you are in

These rules keep order within our dojo's. With no rules there would be chaos. Self-control ensures we control our behavior so our instructors/teachers can teach us the knowledge they know. The Bible tells us that he who is against self-control is like having no laws (Galatians 5:22-23).

Think about that metaphor. A city without laws is chaos. A man without self-control is a walking disaster. Self-control isn't repression — it's direction. It's the ability to channel your energy, your emotions, your impulses toward what is right rather than what is easy.

How to Be "Self-Controlled"

Here are some examples of self-control:

Listen and control your tongue when someone else is talking. The Bible tells us in James 1:19 to be quick to hear and slow to speak. In a world where everyone is shouting to be heard, the man who listens is rare — and respected.
Control your anger. When you feel yourself getting angry, walk away and take a breather. Write a letter and let it sit for 24 hours and re-read it. More than likely, you'll change what you said when you have a cooler head. The Bible tells us in Psalm 37:8 to refrain from anger because it only leads to evil.
Don't overeat. When you break down your body, you prevent the Holy Spirit from fulfilling His need through you. The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 6:19 that the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. How would you treat a temple you're supposed to be stewarding for God?
Control your judging. Stop talking smack about family members or anyone else. The Bible tells us in Luke 6:37 not to judge.
Stop lying. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 6:16-17 that God hates lying, those that devise wicked plans, and a false witness who breathes out lies.

These are just a few examples and are by no means all inclusive. Always focus on God, always try to walk in His presence, and always love Him with all your heart and soul.

The Deeper Truth About Self-Control

Self-control is often described as a fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. That's significant. It's not just a skill you develop through willpower; it's a character trait that grows as you abide in Christ. The more you walk with God, the more He shapes your desires. Self-control isn't about gritting your teeth and saying "no" — it's about your "yes" to God becoming stronger than your "yes" to temptation.

Respectable

Today we look at Paul's next characteristic, "respectable." Respectable, per Dictionary.com, means, "regarded by society to be good, proper, or correct." I would also add "viewed as having sound judgement." The word "respect" means, "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements." How do we get people to respect us and therefore become respectable?

Respect Is Earned, Not Demanded

In my martial arts we are taught what respect means. Respect is treating others the way you want to be treated. Matthew 7:12 embodies these words: "So then, whatever you desire that others would do to and for you, even so do also to and for them, for this is (sums up) the Law and the Prophets."

We all know how we want to be treated. We don't want to be treated poorly. But knowing and doing are different things. Being respectable isn't about demanding respect from others — it's about earning it through consistent, visible character.

How to Be "Respectable"

Here are some thoughts on how to be respectable. These are not all inclusive, but will give you a general idea of "how" to be respectable with cross references to His word:

Keep your language clear of profanities (Colossians 3:8)
Have a positive attitude (1 Peter 3:13)
Be confident (Proverbs 3:26)
Smile (Psalm 37:4)
Be friendly (Proverbs 15:13-14)
Never take advantage of anyone (Proverbs 6:16-19)
Never lie (Proverbs 6:16-19)
Don't be materialistic (1 Timothy 6:9-10)
Never procrastinate (Proverbs 13:4)

These are not all encompassing and these are not easy if you really take this seriously. Number 1 for me is tough. My excuse for not following through with number 1 like I should is because I was in the Army and every other word was a curse word. However, I'm cognizant of my curses, seek forgiveness, and really try to clean it up.

To always be positive is extremely difficult for me, but I keep that in the forefront of my mind so I know to concentrate on positivity. Some days will beat you down, but you have to keep getting up. That's what I keep telling myself. Keep driving forward.

These are just a few. I suggest you write down some of your own characteristics of becoming respectable. If we keep working this and hammering it out, we may just get close enough.

The Weight of Reputation

Being respectable means understanding that your words and actions carry weight. People are watching — not just other Christians, but non-believers, skeptics, and those who have every reason to dismiss the faith. When you act with dignity, you're not just representing yourself; you're representing your Lord. That's a heavy responsibility, but it's also an incredible privilege.

Hospitality

Normally I'm a hospitable person. I'll tell you why I say "normally" in a minute. First we define the word "hospitable," which means, "friendly and welcoming to strangers or guests." The Bible tells us in Hebrews 13:2:

"Do not forget or neglect or refuse to extend hospitality to strangers [in the brotherhood—being friendly, cordial, and gracious, sharing the comforts of your home and doing your part generously], for through it some have entertained angels without knowing it."

The Tension Between Protection and Openness

OK, so why did I say "normally"? Well, about two weeks ago my sisters came across this 19-year-old girl who has a 2-year-old and is pregnant. She was found sleeping in a Dick's Sporting Goods store. I said to them, "Be careful because this world is full of nuts and you never know who's going to hurt you."

Uh, yeah, wrong response from me. What was I thinking? I wasn't, and that's the point.

Of course I was thinking of the safety of my sisters and nieces' safety, but what about the safety of that girl? It's a tough balance, but what if we missed out on entertaining an angel? Good grief, I react too fast and get upset quickly sometimes; and I thought I was good at this stuff. The Bible says we are to show hospitality to one another without grumbling (1 Peter 4:9). The Bible also says I should be slow to anger and not be hasty (Proverbs 14:29).

How to Be "Hospitable"

Treat strangers as if you've known them for years (Leviticus 19:34)
Treat strangers as if they are Jesus Himself (Ephesians 6:7)
Give the stranger food, water, clothes, and shelter (Mark 9:41)

This is not all inclusive. However, these are a good start. It's tough because we don't want people to hurt us or our families, but Jesus wants us to help the stranger. You never know, it could be an angel.

The Deeper Challenge

Hospitality challenges our natural instinct for self-preservation. We want to protect our space, our family, our comfort. But God calls us to open our homes — and our hearts — to those who have nothing to offer us in return. That's the point. Hospitality is not networking. It's not building connections that benefit you. It's love without an agenda.

Able to Teach

Today we'll visit Mars Hill Church to see how Jesus taught:

Pastor Mark Driscoll, November 20, 2011:

Jesus' first priority after He physically rose from death was to teach people the Scriptures that are all about Him. Just like the men walking to Emmaus whom Jesus joined, we are all spiritually blind until God opens our eyes; the teaching of the Word of God opens blind eyes. We see six ways in which all of the Old Testament is connected to Jesus: events, titles, prophecies, Christophanies, types, and like service. The book that God wrote is all about Jesus.

Luke 24:27 (ESV): "And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he interpreted to them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself."

Why Teaching Matters

Being "able to teach" doesn't mean you need to be a seminary graduate. It means you can take what God has taught you and communicate it clearly to others. It means you're not just consuming truth — you're sharing it. In a world full of confusion, the man who can explain biblical truth in a way that's accessible, relevant, and compelling is invaluable.

But teaching starts with learning. You can't teach what you don't know. And you can't know what you don't study. This characteristic calls us to be students of the Word first, teachers second.

Not a Drunkard

This is a tough one. Not because I'm a drunkard, but determining if the wine was wine 2000+ years ago, not just grape juice. For example, when you ferment wine it releases gases. Wine back in Jesus' time was poured into wine skins. Now, I don't think those wine skins could hold fermented wine because of the gas produced by the wine could have burst the skins. So, was it just grape juice with a different taste? I'm not sure, and this is something that will take more time to explore. I'm just going to give you some biblical references and start our journey there.

What Does the Bible Say?

Ephesians 5:18 says, "And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit…" Why would Paul write this if the wine was actually grape juice?

In Romans 14:21 it says, "It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble." Now, I can understand today how wine could make someone stumble, but how does meat make someone stumble? Overeating? What did Paul mean by this? I'm not sure yet.

The following are three more passages that shed light onto wine:

Isaiah 5:11, "Woe to those who rise early in the morning, that they may run after strong drink, who tarry late into the evening as wine inflames them."

Isaiah 25:6, "On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine, of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined."

Isaiah 28:7, "These also reel with wine and stagger with strong drink; the priest and the prophet reel with strong drink, they are swallowed by wine, they stagger with strong drink, they reel in vision, they stumble in giving judgment."

The Core Principle

I'm not trying to justify the drinking of wine, but you can overindulge in a lot of things. For example, eating too much food that makes you fat. Being unhealthy from eating too much food restricts the Holy Spirit from doing His job.

From my studies thus far I have not seen reference to the word "drug" in the Bible. I could be wrong, however in 1 Corinthians 3:17 the word states, "If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple." So we can destroy our bodies with food, alcohol, drugs, and anything else that could destroy our bodies.

How do we not become a drunkard?

Don't overindulge in alcohol (or anything else for that matter). You know your limit — don't be a fool. Too much alcohol restricts your ability to think coherently. At that point you lose all reason and sinning becomes very easy to justify.
Don't use any type of illegal drug (or any drug for that matter). Even over-the-counter drugs are distributed in mass quantities and people abuse them thinking that, "hey, a doctor gave them to me so it's OK." WRONG! Be careful.
Keep your body in the best shape possible so that the Holy Spirit can do His job.

I have a lot more studying to do in this area. This is a tough one to discern the true definitions of "wine." We'll get there as we explore the word more.

Not Violent But Gentle

Violence and anger really don't get us anywhere. I'm not sure how the anger emotion functions, but it usually never leads to anything good. I try to think beyond my anger. For example, I say, "How am I going to feel about what I'm about to say after this anger has passed?" Usually the answer is, "awful." My future father-in-law said to me to say to myself, "Is what I'm about to say going to pull them closer to me or farther away?" Be cognizant before you speak.

A Punch in the Gut

Here's a punch in the gut for you. The Bible says in James 1:20, "For man's anger does not promote the righteousness God [wishes and requires]." That's just lovely (said in a sarcastic voice)! So, when I get angry, it diminishes the promotion of the righteousness of God. So it's like slapping God in the face when I get angry about something. That really stinks.

We all get angry about things. I'm finding a lot of time when I'm angry it's because I'm hungry. I don't think my brain is getting enough food, so I start to do foolish things. I'm trying to notice the triggers when I get angry and defuse them quickly.

The Bible says in Psalm 37:8 that getting upset tends to lead to evildoing. I don't want that to occur. I think a lot of guys have issues with anger because it's a primal instinct. It's just something basic in a man when he needs to react to some kind of perceived danger. Normally we are boneheads because there really aren't many dangers that we perceive.

The Bible also says in Proverbs 14:29 that if we are slow to anger we will have greater understanding, but if we are quick to react we show our foolishness. I don't know about you, but I don't want anyone to think I'm a fool. I'm guilty of the latter half of this piece of scripture.

The Military Connection

Anger is something I've struggled with for years. When I was in the Army, they honed the anger into primal killer instincts. Anger became the outlet by which we could accomplish our missions. You were not trained to be gentle and nice on the battlefield. You had to be angry and mean to kill.

Transitioning back to the civilian world has been a struggle. Figuring out how to act appropriately when there are no opposing forces has also been a struggle. It took me about 10 years after my service to figure out how to function in a reasonable manner.

This does not mean that I have it figured out. It just means I have figured out a better way to deal with those past challenges. No, I'm by no means perfect, but I am cognizant when I'm being stupid and try very hard to continue to fix and update myself through my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

How to Not Be Violent But Gentle

Ensure you have a proper diet
Ensure you have an outlet, such as exercise
Meditate on the scripture
Know yourself. Know when you're getting irritable
Walk away when you start to feel uneasy
Count to 10 (though that one really has never worked for me)
Breathe
Acknowledge your mistakes when you screw up and fix the issue

Not Quarrelsome

Let's face it, angry arguing stinks. I don't like angry arguing, but it happens. I say "angry arguing" because that's different than general arguing. Let me explain. Angry arguing, in my definition, is yelling and screaming at one another. Arguing is a heated discussion where two people present their disagreement in a calm manner. I know, I know, this is tough, but if you love your significant other you will learn to argue respectfully.

The Danger of Angry Arguing

The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 2:24, "And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil…" Angry arguing leads to things we don't want to say to one another, which is what the devil wants. Don't feed into what the devil wants because "…a house is divided (split into factions and rebelling) against itself, that house will not be able to last" (Mark 3:25). The house divides for a number of reasons, but angry arguing is a major reason.

When we get into an angry argument, we will be judged by all of our careless words we speak (Matthew 12:36-37). When we are angry, we often say things we don't mean because we want to hurt each other and later feel awful (or at least should feel awful). Work hard to not angry argue; a heated discussion, yes. Angry arguing, no.

There are those who will create strife within families and try to break down and destroy your family. Be alert to these people. I have no idea why, but they do it either for attention or to get a rise out of people. It's straight nonsense. The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 2:23, "But refuse (shut your mind against, have nothing to do with) trifling (ill-informed, unedifying, stupid) controversies over ignorant questionings, for you know that they foster strife and breed quarrels." Also the Bible says in Matthew 18:15, "If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately." Identify and address the nonsense.

How to Be Non-Quarrelsome

Listen first (Proverbs 1:5)
Be understanding (Psalm 119:130)
Love (1 Corinthians 13:4)
Always hold hands no matter how mad you are
Be observant of what you're arguing about

Remember, he or she is not the enemy. Say that to yourself when you get upset, "She's not the enemy." Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere."

Believe me, I write these words to continue to convince and help myself. I work on improving this constantly to be more effective in my communications. Getting mad and angry arguing shuts people down and makes them resistant. Tread lightly and go forward in love.

Not a Lover of Money

Money in and of itself is not bad. It's our "love" of money that is the root of all evil. The Bible says in 1 Timothy 6:10, "For the love of money is a root of all evils; it is through this craving that some have been led astray and have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves through with many acute [mental] pangs."

I will tell you that I was once the lover of money and went through those acute mental pangs.

My Personal Story

In my past, I chased money and wanted to be the "Jones." You know those people that have everything and everything they have is name brand. I was that person. I made good money in my past and spent it like I had more. I was miserable because I bought things thinking it would make me feel better, but there was still a hole in my heart.

When I finally surrendered to the Lord, I realized that money would never make me happy — only the Lord could truly make me happy. I learned from the Bible in Hebrews 13:5 that, "Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]."

I felt as if I needed to have more money to be secure. The truth is that that was just a lie. I need the Lord to make me secure.

The Birds of the Air

One day I was peering out my home office window and it hit me like a ton of bricks. "Wait a minute," I said. "Look at the birds and squirrels out there." "God takes care of them — they eat, stay warm, and have company." The Bible says in Matthew 6:26, "Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?"

We have this worry like if we don't have the latest greatest thing, we'll be less of a human. That's stupid! We have all we need in having the Lord in our lives. We don't need anything else. The Bible says in Matthew 6:24, "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will stand by and be devoted to the one and despise and be against the other. You cannot serve God and mammon (deceitful riches, money, possessions, or whatever is trusted in)."

How to Not Be a Lover of Money

Don't be stupid. You need money to survive in this world, so don't just go give it all away. You need to pay for your retirement (or just do the Moses plan like me), save for your kids' college, and pay your bills.
Be fiscally responsible. Read books on how to budget. "Don't spend what you don't got!"
Get rid of credit cards. Or at least only have one. Again, don't spend what you don't got! (I know, bad English, but I need your attention.)
Tithe. The Bible says in Malachi 3:10, "Bring all the tithes (the whole tenth of your income) into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and prove Me now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it." If you think you're going to rob God, then you're a bonehead. God knows ALL!
Ensure you make your offerings to missions. Hey, if you have some left over (after paying bills, saving for college, and saving for retirement), give it to someone who needs it.

These are just a few ideas of how not to be a bonehead and love money. You can fool your fellow man, but you will never fool God.

Manage His Own Household Well

YOU are the man of YOUR home. YOU are the Leader of YOUR home. There are no "ifs," "ands," or "buts" about it. Sound scary? It should! It is an awesome responsibility to be the man of the house. You need to be a man of God.

Phewwwww, that one scares me out of my mind. However, the thing I know I have is that I have God. Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you." Wow! He goes with us, so why do we fear? Well, it's still an awesome responsibility.

I know that I have to be the pastor of our home, husband to my wife, father to my children, strong listener to my family and friends, and a good example for my church and community. Yes, that is a lot for one person's plate. However, God is with me.

I love this one from Isaiah 41:10, "Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of righteousness and justice." That's nice to know that He is here with me, will strengthen me, and will hold me up during difficult times. I mean, seriously, God is strengthening me — what do I have to worry about?

How to Manage Your Own Home

Put God first, then family, then community
Take responsibility for yourself and your family. It's your job to provide for the family. If you're not being a man, then it's time to wake up and ask God for help.
Be decisive. Don't leave the decision-making to everyone in the family — but accept their input, then make a good decision for the family. Don't worry about screwing up; God has your back.
Be respectful to your family. Treat your family members how you want to be treated.
Be in control. Control your behavior to fit each situation you're in.
Be disciplined. Do the things you know you're supposed to do and do the things you don't like to do without being nagged. Like Nike, Just do it!
Protect your family
Own up to mistakes
Love your family
Pray, pray, pray

You're going to make mistakes. Don't run from them. Admit them, repent if necessary, ask your family for forgiveness, don't beat yourself, and keep moving forward. You'll get better. God knows I've gotten better.

Keep Future Children Submissive

OK, I can't even begin to talk much about this topic because I don't have children yet, but here's what I think I should do according to the Bible. The Bible tells me to discipline my future children. Yeah, I know, some of you are saying, "what do YOU know about disciplining a child?" Well, that's a good question, but remember that I was once a hell-raising child, so I might have some insight.

What the Bible Says About Discipline

Proverbs 13:24 — "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."

Proverbs 29:15 — "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."

Proverbs 22:15 — "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him."

Ephesians 6:4 — "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

Proverbs 13:1 — "A wise son hears his father's instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke."

Proverbs 29:17 — "Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart."

Proverbs 23:13 — "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die."

I pretty much think that God is commanding me to discipline my children. Now, I'm not going to be stupid and just abuse them. I come from a very abusive childhood and I don't want that environment for my children. Imagine an environment where you had to sleep between your mattresses because you were afraid you would be beaten in the middle of the night. That's just fear and NOT discipline.

Discipline without love is abuse. Love without discipline is neglect. Both are failures. God's model is both — and the balance is everything.

How to Keep Future Children Submissive

Seek counsel. Find those Christians that have great kids and a great relationship and drain their brain with their knowledge. Take notes. Put these principles into practice.
Read the Bible. Above are just a few examples of God's word and how it guides us.
Volunteer for children's missions. Hey, you can borrow someone else's kids and give 'em back when you're done. At least that will break you in… maybe even change the dirty diapers… PU!
Read Christian books on raising children.
Communicate with your spouse. Decide how the children will be raised. For example, will my wife stay home to be with the kids instead of sticking them in day care?
Learn patience now. Uh, yeah, not something I'm the best at right now, but I'm working on it.
Be honest with yourself. Know what you're not good at and work on it. Your kids will see this and it will be a good testimony for constant improvement.

Must Be Well Thought of by Outsiders

This is one of those areas where I believe Paul is referring to reputation. Reputation means, "a widespread belief that someone or something has a particular habit or characteristic" and "the beliefs or opinions that are generally held about someone or something."

For outsiders to think "well" of you, you must have a good reputation. That means you have to have good moral character. In other words, you must always do what's right according to the Bible. Sound impossible? Well, it ain't easy. However, God has given us a roadmap called the Bible.

The Outsider's Perspective

The Bible gives us great advice to follow. The Bible says to "abstain from the passions of the flesh." We must keep our thoughts clear and always focus on God. The Bible also says to keep your conduct honorable (See 1 Peter 2:11-12). Keeping your conduct honorable means to keep your behavior in check all the time. Yes, "ALL" the time. Like I've been saying over and over, this stuff isn't easy, but with Christ all things are possible (See Phil 4:13).

I must be a man of high integrity. The Bible says in Proverbs 10:9, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out." Again, we must follow the Bible. God has prepared our direction for us. We must surrender and follow His direction.

I must be honest all the time. The Bible says in Luke 16:10, "One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much." Lying does not make for a good reputation. Proverbs 6:16-17 says, "These six things the Lord hates, indeed, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look [the spirit that makes one overestimate himself and underestimate others], a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood." The Bible further says in Revelation 21:8 says, "…and all liars (those who knowingly convey untruth by word or deed)—[all of these shall have] their part in the lake that blazes with fire and brimstone. This is the second death." So, lying is very bad.

I must stay on track and always refer to my Bible for guidance. The Bible says in Proverbs 4:25-27, "Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil." Never must I be swayed by evil of this world or my reputation will be destroyed very easily. The Bible further tells me to meditate on God's words in Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

It's very difficult to constantly and consistently maintain your reputation. However, it's very easy to destroy it quickly. There is only one way to do it right and that's through God, but the devil will present you with many, many ways to do it wrong. See, difficult, huh? However, it's not impossible. We serve a BIG GOD, who is ALWAYS there to help us.

How to Be Well Thought of by Outsiders

Be a man of integrity. Always do what is right. You know when you get that feeling when you remotely think something is wrong? Well, it probably is. The definition of integrity is: "The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness."
Be a man of honesty. Never ever lie, period!
Be consistent. Ensure your behavior remains consistent all the time, no matter how mad you get about something. You must control it.
Be a man who is never swayed by evil in this world. The devil will present you with many ways to fail, but God is ALWAYS there to thwart the devil's deeds. We must stay in His word all day, every day.
Be disciplined. Always maintain a high level of discipline, which means doing the things you know you should do all the time without being told.

Summary: The Full Picture

To summarize, I must be:

Above reproach
The husband of one wife
Sober-minded
Self-controlled
Respectable
Hospitable
Able to teach
Not a drunkard
Not violent but gentle
Not quarrelsome
Not a lover of money
Managing my own household well
Keeping future children submissive
Well thought of by outsiders

That's a lot. No wonder Paul said it this way — as if he knew we'd read this list and feel the weight of it. Because he did. He knew this standard would make us feel inadequate. And that's the point. We can't do this on our own. We need God. Every single characteristic. Every single day.

But here's the beautiful truth: God doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called. He knows exactly who I am — flaws, struggles, military baggage, and all — and He still says, "Come. I'll help you become this."

The question isn't "Can I do this?" The question is "Will I let God do this through me?"

And that brings us back to where we started: Yes, but how?

The answer is: one characteristic at a time. One day at a time. One decision at a time. And every single time you stumble — and you will — you get back up, you repent, you ask for help, and you keep walking.

Because the God who called you is faithful. And He will finish what He started.

This is just the beginning. Each chapter ahead will go deeper into one of these characteristics, exploring it with the same honesty, the same "yes, but how?" spirit, and the same commitment to not just knowing what to be, but figuring out how to become it.